(Editor’s Note: The following was part of an application to ODSP about why Veronica is in need of assistance. She wanted to take that opportunity of having someone read her experiences, and we’d appreciate you taking the time to do the same here. It’s been organized as best as we were able with the intention of making the extraordinary claims and horrific realities believable. If you do want to help, then attempting to understand where she’s coming from is the best first step.)
This is not your ordinary ODSP application. I need whoever reads this to put themselves in as open a frame of mind as possible. I have documented far greater details elsewhere, and I understand that this isn't the proper people or place to share this much information, however I have tried numerous times to contact more proper authority figures and have repeatedly been rejected. I have yet to have anyone besides Ben appear to understand or take seriously, in person, what I am being put through by other people.
The length of this is neccesary; the worst of the events are unbelievable, of this I'm very aware, but that doesn't make them any less true or real. The vast majority of my torture isn't visible, another reason it's not believed. I don't know who's behind it, and can only guess at motives. What I am certain of however, is that it's not a medical condition or a mental illness and that it can be stopped by stopping the perpetrators. Hopefully by reading this you will understand my certainty behind this. It is extremely jarring to have to conclusively prove this before being believed or getting help, but that is another part of my reality. This report is the best opportunity I have left, in my mind, to not have this dismissed as anything other than what it is: torture.
I have done my best to present this highly reduced description of my everyday life in something cohesive. To that end, it's organized (at least to start) both by the type of event and chronologically.
When did this start?
I have been asked this question many times by nurses, doctors, police, and psychologists. The answer isn't straightforward. Different aspects started at different times. Most social events are only torturous in sheer quantity. Physical torture (again, not visible) started Feb. 2019, but aspects of it were present since months prior.
Part 1: Written misinformation
I noticed written information starting to change in Feb 2018, early, first few days coinciding closely with my spiritual experience (which I will expand on later). It is still endemic in both older and recent sources, years later.
The first time I noticed it was in videogames that were clearly hacked. Names of opponents weren't random, but explicitly patterned. Eventually, game aspects themselves got changed, and remained so last time I played that same one months ago. Many of the names ended up referencing events that were occuring in my everyday life, not online. For example, someone put a mouse in my apartment (not a wild mouse as it appeared in a second floor apartment and was clean, slow, and fat) and the day after "mousie" was an opponent's name.
Furthermore, shortly after talking online about the first mouse a second mouse appeared in my apartment which was explicitly the opposite; fast, tiny, agile. I cannot trust that it wasn't also planted.
Back to the names- they at other times were referencing the previous opponent, chaining themselves instead of being randomized, then randomly inserting names about where I had just been elsewhere online. This was not a one-of coincidence but a recurring theme in other life aspects.
The next place I noticed information being hacked was Facebook. Not merely fake news articles, but large portions of the site. The URL was correct, at least visibly, but the page itself was lacking in key features, like a "report" button, exactly when questionable content was showing up in my feed. Posts under friends' names obviously weren't from that person. content way off, and again referencing me. Eg. AIRBNB booking info gets posted by one of my friend's accounts, but referentially, so to an outsider it was casual conversation, but to me the hacker included a FB person who vaguely mached the description of my host, and included the room number I was staying at, in a post referencing sex.
Attempting to go through the proper channels for tech support was fruitless and I was told multiple times that what was happening essentially wasn't possible. I changed passwords, deleted accounts, wiped hard drives, used IP blockers purchased in-person. All failed.
To this day my online world is completely destroyed. What plagued my FB plagues my Twitter, the place I currently log events. Reporting functions are still off (or were at the time of writing this). A highly specific echo chamber effect, known as micro-targeting, plagues every single place I go online. I don't have access to online like I used to. Old forums I used to frequent appear to still exist, but are stripped of content and users, most recent posts again are explicitly micro-targeted against me. Problems joining and making posts across multiple diverse forums on a range of topics.
Other online media, not just words in games.
It has become impossible, or nearly so, to find legitimate, accurate info about anything. This ranges from cooking recipes, to news, to health information, to religious scripture. It's only sometimes easy to spot the fakes, and since the purpose of most anything I search for online is to get accurate, new, information, I can't trust anything new I might learn.
This has spread into deepfakes of podcasts, videos, weather, news clips, downloaded videos, and streamed movies and TV. Paid or free doesn't matter.
++++++++++
Again, the URLs appear perfectly legitimate; so I'm not seeing commonly mistyped version of phishing scams (though I'm sure those also exist).
Examples of fake or altered media:
- the number "11" will appear in multiple news articles, like suddenly 11 people are shot, then 11 people are suing in the next article, 11 buildings destroyed, etc.
-livestream (supposedly of Buddhist teacher) when interacting via comment section, video always shudders and pauses before answering. It doesn't pause for other people's questions though.
-dozens of faces, including my own, of people I know in real life popping up in photos in my Twitter feed. This is more recent than 2018 and '19.
-every download from Project Gutenberg is obviously false.
-nature documentary with deepfaked fish
-narrator of an entire series had my mother's eyes on his face.
-Youtube music is somewhat different, and began in 2018, where songs have one small part changed. These explicitly, eventually, said they were “auto-generated” by Youtube, at least some of the time. The problem here is, being unable to find the originals, even if the original were freely shared by the author so copyright isn't an issue.
-comments in online forums and for news articles seem more off and auto-generated than they used to be (allowing for massive use of bots online before all this happened).
Malicious editing isn't just online.
The first time non-digital media that appears as forged showed up with an online book order was Spring or Summer of 2018; a book on Tibetan Buddhism, a topic I only peripherally knew. There was an entire chapter that was extoling sex for women, pretending porn was prayer. It was blatantly wrong and goes against everything else I know about Buddhism. As my first encounter of this sort, I had assumed the author was just a fraud. I ended up commenting on one of her FB posts saying that she was a liar. Unlike my social media, it took me awhile to figure out that nearly every single offline media aspect was changed too. Library books and DVD's I picked up in Ottawa 2018-2019 had misprints and deepfakes, the most blatant were religious texts, and less obvious were mistakes in DVD's. A novel I bought at a whim from Walmart in earrly 2021 was an intentional misprint; themes and words didn't fit, grotesque imagery thrown in, all obvious by chapter 2. Bibles being sold at St. Joseph's Oratory had clear lies, as recently as Aug 2021. Every Bible I have access to has lies, just like every Buddhist scripture, offline or online. Novels Ben said he got from his parents' home had errors, again grotesque imagery, stupid theming, impossibilities (eg. Sunny underground).
Forged version of books I owned, and CD's, tapes, music, or video games started in late 2018 after being forced to flee my home (I will go into that next sections). I was away from most of my things for a month. From then onwards, media I owned is not as I remember it. An official Patton Oswald CD had jokes changed. A burned CD from a friend had a track changed to have opera on a V2 track. A legit video game CD that still seemed to work back in 2019 was corrupted in 2021, no reason it should be.
These are all carefully crafted replacements, in both my own home, and Ben's. Including fake wear and tear. This is also evidence of breaking and entering that has lasted from 2018 to this year. Eg: A magazine at my parents' (New Scientist Oct/Nov/Dec 2018 as best as I can remember) had an image of a man who was in the exact same pose as my ex-husband's grad photo, visible to the street at his parents' home. The article's theme was of a topic dear to me. The next subscription that showed up? It had article after article against the theme in the previous magazine article, citing how technology was explicitly being used to invade privacy of people in ways it shouldn't.
Real-world targeted media changes.
Lastly, the radio I listened to isn't free of micro-targeting me. I first noticed this the end of 2018 in a rental car, where music lyrics and themes were micro-targeted at me. I've explicitly had the radio signal I was listening to be taken over to include what sounded like male teenagers gossiping and laughing overlaying the existing signal. The patterns here though has largely worked similarly to the chaining of names that I described earlier in video games, but I don't listen enough to test it, so a chaining of sorts. Mainly though, radio listening gets tied to physical body distortions (more on that later) which is why I avoid it.
All in all there is no media that I can consume that I know will be trustworthy, even if it is. It was also the first thing I knew was very wrong, and directed explicitly at me. This distortion serves, very intentionally, to distort and destroy any sort of truth in my life, and serves as a backdrop to highlight, and to hide, the rest of my torture. It also serves to remove me from accessing any sort of shared reality, which prevents me from being able to get anyone else to understand even the most basic of things happening to me. Finally, in a world where this is incessant lies, the true horror of the events in my own life are far more likely to be viewed as fraudulent or imagined. There is severe 3rd party influences in all aspects of my life. If it's not just at me, then I must also assume others are likely only accessing distorted versions of what I appear to be.
(Explicitly, this sort of distortion is a way groups of people share banned content in forums like 4chan. I learned this from my ex-husband probably more than a decade ago now. Given that this banned content is usually sexual in nature, and for good reason, that's actually a tie into who may be behind what's happening to me.)
Part 2: People, strangers, and stalkers.
This section includes a detailed account of when this first started, when strangers in my life suddenly became as untrustworthy as my media.
On February 12,2018, police came to my door. As mentioned earlier, I had just had a spiritual experience, that ended up mixing in with non-spiritual, strongly distorting experience. They are the first non-spiritual, invisible assaults that affect my entire physical experience wherein I recognize them as such at the time. Due to the complete lack of anyone taking credit for calling police, and for police's refusal to say why they had notified them or what I has doing wrong, I am assuming that I was already being exterally monitored by authorities on what I had assumed was a private forum. I was completely unaware of this at the time. Most importantly, I had not threatened anyone, certainly not myself. Online I was, to outside view, mostly babbling, but I had also intnetionally kept mostly to a very small corner of a gaming forum, frequented only by long-standing users, behind a forum-moderated gate even, and known for shit posts.
When pressed, the police said “You were posting online too much.” They furthermore said I hadn't slept for 4 days, a blatant falsehood, and one they shouldn't have known. When cops showed up I was: showered, had food beside me, was calm, and repeatedly asked them to leave. They refused. I was brought into a mental health facility in Peterborough, after stopping first at a hospital that had none. During the ride an officer asked me if I had been seeing too many memes, Dragonball Z was his example. (It was not something I had ever referenced and if you are familiar at all with pop culture of that era you will know that it's not just a meme [with the exception of “over 9000”]) At that point in time, I had not. However, the names in Hearthstone, that videogame I first mentioned? Only a day or 2 before spiritual experiences occurs, that had begun. Dragonball Z meme was later referenced at me after-the-fact when I got home again, online, just another microtarget.
I include this story because it's the first time I am not privvy to something else happening around and to me while others' actions strongly suggest otherwise. It is also the first incident known to me where my privacy and wishes were violated “for my own good”.
Once at the psych facility in Peterborough it was a shitshow. No one seemed to be a legitimate patient, one of them was plugging me for information. There was someone who showed up only for a single day, which is weird in a psyc ward. There was an aerosol sprayed remotely over my bed that caused mild tardive dyskenesia, a side-effect to a drug that I had explicity told them I had a pretty severe negative reaction to. Most nurses seemed to be lying. I wanted to be alone, and was feeling a spiritual (non-drug induced) high (something that practicing Buddhists are known to acheive with meditation), and I regret actions taken with people there. Doctors refused to give my apartment keys to my friend who I had arranged to feed my cat. There is a period of days when my keys were unaccounted for, even by the hospital. They were returned when I left.
Shortly after that experience I've been followed when I go outside. This stalking has only become worse over time. It started inocuously enough, a few cops, an actual nice micro-target of a giant Buddha statue beside the 401 highway, live musicians showing up where I was going to be. The few pleasant things were quickly overshadowed only by negatives, people decidedly watching me on park benches, being stared down by strangers in the grocery store, strangers joining in on conversations with neighbours loudly, acting like they know us, people walking too close behind me. The micro-targeted echo chamber that was happening online appeared in-person. (Eg. A woman dressed up as the author of the false Budhist book appeared at the drugstore, also invading my personal space. People waiting to speak private conversations until I walk by. A store's speaker that faced the street turned on only after I walked past, on a Sunday morning I hadn't gone to church playing “Losing My Religion” by REM)
Cobourg is a town of 20,000 people. These weren't accidents or coincidences. When I did visit Toronto that summer there were people from my Facebook sitting next to me on the subway (not friends, page owners), people I hadn't ever interacted with at all.
More examples of these later in years include people synchronizing their steps to mine beside me, perfect strangers. Always passing by dog walkers on a two minute walk to church (different people), each week a different person saying “good boy” or “good girl” as they pass, but not loking at their dog at all, strangers doing non-sensical tasks around me when I go to a park, then seeing that same thing again a year later (eg. Picking up sticks) People commenting on my clothes when I walk by, people pulling up beside me in a car and yelling at me, people shoving their phones in my face for no reason.
This happens every time I go outside. It has followed me from city to city since 2018. This includes: Cobourg, Toronto, Adis Ababba in Ethiopia, Fredericton, Ottawa, here in Sudbury it is lesser, but still happens. Previous home was in the country, on purpose, explicitly to reduce the worst of the social stalking, but many other aspects of my life got worse while there. Basically, the micro-targeting that existed online is also IRL, and can reference any of my own actions online or offline, or simply be droves of people acting weirdly the same way.
I don't go outside if I can avoid it. I have attempted all forms of things to address the individuals participating in this psychological torture, asking them to stop, asking why, ignoring it and them, being angry—nothing helps. Most feign, very very obviously faking innocence, and many smile at me while participating in abuse.
Much like there are thousands of incidents I could recount in my online life, as many examples exist IRL. To describe them ALL is too much for a single person to grasp after years of this. I do, however, document things mostly on my Twitter now, but I am tired from years of doing this too.
Notably, I bought another book online that piqued my interest in 2018 that described in detail a man's experience, not dissimilar to my own about what I think is aptly called “gangstalking”. It was called Wolves For Hire. It was very disturbing to read, and I couldn't quite finish reading it and upon thinking about it and what had been happening to me, I thought it best to get rid of the thing, as if just owning it might bring things down upon me. I tore it up and threw it out. Lo and behold, another copy was added to my apartment when I had been gone for a month, back in 2018.
How does this affect me?
I don't trust or expect people to be honest or kind anymore, as most people I interact with aren't. I don't trust others to believe me regarding even more severe events in my life because they are people who will otherwise harass me. With so many people around me who themselves are acting fraudulently in some way, they are far more likely, and explicitly have acted like I am lying about severe physical issues. Similar patterns of lies by others, especially medical staff, mean they are also not useful or trustworthy for me. Eg: multiple strangers to me have asked me point-blank out of nowhere, if I'm Ben's mother, one of these people being a Dr. Or nurse, another being a landlord, occurring half a year apart. I look nowhere near old enough and Ben looks nowhere near young enough. I've only ever been thought of as younger than my age. These people asked it like it was important or something also. They come off as non-sensical people who have heard rumors about me that I haven't.
Part 2.2-Explicit Criminal Activity
There is more than just droves of people who, en masse over time, mean I am being mistreated, there are some obvious well-known crimes being committed.
The first I alluded to was breaking and entering in order to change media I owned. Well there have been countless breakins since the end of 2018, in every single home I've lived in. Most of them appear to exist just because, as if to show me it can, but the overall result is intentional gaslighting. Objects get moved around and replaced, not just media. While I still had a cat, cat toys would just appear in the apartment. Other ones would disappear. More examples, not exhaustive include:
-pajamas I am wearing while drafting this are a replacement pair, at least the top, replaced well over a year ago, the collar is different.
-multiple times food has been added to the home. At least once I think it was taken away.
-entire boxes of items go missing only to return days later
-an entire laptop that had been thrown against the wall got replaced, the copy being permanently broken (still no idea if the original laptop was or wasn't broken), very good forgery but with screen too thick
-dishes replaced with good not-quite-right replicas
From November 2019 to December 2020 was the home most common for this. These events seemed to occur ~weekly, right up until we added a chain lock on the inside door. Only items added during that time, or missing, were cat toys small enough to slip through the door while the chain was on.
Items replaced sometimes alluding to IRL events, or like looking for information about me about what I would be bothered most by. Very similar to how a man representing as a psyc ward patient in Feb 2018 seemed to be throwing out city names at me, trying to get information regarding what would stick.
-written documents have been removed or replaced, one a very good copy of an arrest record from March 2020
-a stain of what appeared to be semen on the couch above documentation left on couch of ongoing torture that's sexual, back in summer 2019. (The couch is now gone and Ben bleached it anyways.)
-still occurring in current home in Sudbury, still need to bar doors
Theft of money
Both mine and Ben's bank acounts, as we have access to them, appear to have been accessed by 3rd parties (which, given the the nature of my online access, makes all this questionable as to what I actually see on my screen.) I was only missing a few dollars here and there, but far more telling is when the bills appear to match exactly how much money exists in the account. Passwords for the royal bank app on my phone were reset every single month back in 2019, not by me. Official records from the past will be changed such that what appears on the screen presently will all make sense. I reported hacking to my bank multiple times, but every time it was treated as unimportant. Staff acted amused, explicitly said that the level of hacking occurring wasn't possible, possibly acting like I were working with hackers. (This theme has permeated how people have treated me in other situations too, including psychiatrists, doctors, and a staff member at the entrance desk to the Human Rights Council in Ottawa. The theme being like I am working with liars, hackers, etc which I'm not.) After reporting it multiple times, I've stopped doing so. A few weeks ago though, 3$ went missing, so it's still ongoing.
One of Ben's account fared worse than my own, hundreds of dollars missing in fake charges. Then there's what was reported as misallocated to Ben from Ontario Works back in early 2020, $4000. We never got that $4000. We're still paying back off that $4000 on our now joint ODSP income. His bank? His bank has shown backdated bank statements that are changed, at least the ones we have access to. Some are really fucking obvious, like $400 spent on internet for some random month. A whole slew of charges at a pet store. At most only $1400 was ever overpayment to us, and if it was it was an error made by the Ontario Works/ODSP systems, not our own, as we reported everything accurately and appropriately in proper time. And of course we didn't find out about this until months after the date the ODSP or OW database says. But, we have no proof. The proof is what's changed. And we don't know who.
While micro-targeting isn't a crime, afaik the use of the Emergency Alert System on people's cellphones, is. I received a report one year during all this used the name of a man I know, a friend of an old friend, saying he'd abducted his own kid. Pretty damned sure that never actually happened.
Police refused to take seriously a report I wrote up and went in-person to get aid, back in late Nov, early Dec 2019. My experiences were dismissed. That's neglience on their part. We got no case number to reference anything. They refused to take print-outs of things I had documented while it had been happening too.
Multiple doctors have refused to take my severe physical complaints seriously. An entire hospital refused to look at physical damage to my throat caused by a police officer, even when multiple staff were told multiple times that it was an injury that had just happened, getting asked if I were a smoker (which I'm not), expressing I could barely speak due to being assaulted a few hours ago. Medical staff lying about wait times. I have copies of my own hacked medical records from the incident in 2018, that has blatant lies about what occurred at the hospital, lies about who the attending physician was, about things I expressed while in hospital. Over the phone I tried expressing this to Dr. Dahle this year, and he was of no help in being able to change it. So this means doctors are at least getting that much false information from me, and possibly getting far more false information from their own systems regarding me. The lawyers who requested the information in the first place were amused by the fact that they had false medical files, offered no help to me. And as far as medical staff doing their job, Ben has been told different information about my diagnosis (diagnoses?) than I get, so when he gets told I'm deluded, they're explicitly deluding me on purpose. Unless the diagnosis of delusional was the false thing?, in which case he's now holding a delusion. There have been people reporting as medical staff explicitly participating in micro-targeting of me. (I've had multiple psychiatric hospital stays since 2018.) These things are, to me, institutionalized criminal activity, outside of mere disbelief, poor ability of diagnosis, poor behavior, poor attitude, etc.
-still don't have an email that Dr. Dahle told me he was going to send me over the phone from earlier this year, that was supposed to have a note to try to get me an MRI sooner. Where did that go? Was that a deepfaked phone conversation, in all or in part, like the deepfaked livestream from the Buddhist that cut off when asked a question? Man-in-the-middle attacks are criminal behavior.
-Multiple people acting in the capacity of lawyers, medical staff, and police, refusing to give me their real name even while taking real roles of capacity to change my life legally.
-I've received 2 differing copies of a police report from March 2020, the 1st disappearing into cyberspace. Wrote down difference somewhere. Both still had blatant false information though, like an entire officer's statements not existing in both.
Part 3: Physical Aspects
Without addressing physical aspects I may not have ever called what's happening to me torture. And only when the physical sensations on my body became permanent feature of my life, did I resort to that severe wording. In order to prove that my experiences are torture, they must both be 1. severe enough to count as such, destructive enough to count as such, and also be 2. intentionally caused by people. The social aspects you've read about by now, are absolutely caused by others, and they're tied into personal invasiveness, and as you will hear, get linked to physical torture. To this end, if what is happening to me physically were only medical, weren't connected to clear micro-targeting of me, weren't known to me to be caused by others, it would only be severe physical distress. It's not.
Importantly, the torture is mostly not visible, and not because it takes place outside of public view. It actually occurs when I am in public (as well as in my own home), where no one can be witness besides trusting me. But this is often how abusers work anyways, and people seeking power over another would flaunt it over their victim. It should be brought into mind that ALL individual experience is unknown to another, this is the default. Even severe things, like chronic severe pain with no known source, is blatantly real. My torture reads as real to me as if I am being touched, because that's literally how the experience is happening. My body blatantly signals “this is external”. Eg: at original time of writing the draft, my right eye is burning and watering, it feels like there is touching of my genitals, there is moving head pressure that isn't a headache or migraine. I don't have eyes to tell me what my skin feels, I have skin to do that for me. Importantly, I don't need anything but science to describe mutliple possible ways of how people are possibly doing this.
When did this start? (Do not confuse with spirituality)
While some very weird state-of-consciousness changes happened to me in Feb 2018, one was decidedly human-caused. It marks my 1st awareness of the capacity for people to affect my brain directly. It stands out from what I called spiritual things because it was visual only. This, however, isn't enough to say the spiritual things weren't human-triggered. I feel it is necessary to describe how these things are different (even if there was human-caused catalyst), because if often seems like some of the people committing the torture are hiding behind a guise of 'spirits' or 'this is god' or some such. It's also important to me as a spiritual person.
So one thing is that what I experienced to start in Feb 8 2018, are not dissimilar to what I've read about as any number of experiences by religious practitioners over thousands of years. It deeply changed an entire aspect of my existence. It also wasn't fully unexpected, as I had been taking very seriously a largely Buddhist, with a return to my Catholic roots, religious practice. These experiences were accompanied by a deep understanding of scriptures as well, in a way I hadn't had before at all. Furthermore, Buddhist literature describes such experiences as a necessary part or stage when fully committing to practice, as do other eastern religions (writings read prior Feb 2018.) During the few days after gaining this knowledge, there was an event that stood out as very different, and it marks my first awareness of the capacity of people to affect my mind and therefore brain, directly. I was also atheist before these occurred, even though as a child I wasn't, and I'm back to not being atheist. To be fair, Buddhism isn't deistic, however what I learned in the spiritual experience is that the teachings in Christianity and Buddhism refer to the same underlying concepts, although to the outside glance they cannot fathomly be the same.
The months following, before the social gangstalking, were some of the best of my life, even as they physically weren't easy. I would wake up at night experiencing great fear; at the fime I thought it was marijuana withdrawal. Those nighttime moments there was always someone online on a taken-over Discord account, to talk to. (Unlike the Facebook hacking, they changed the username, but still took over the account. Their name was Moria, took over an account of Charoon or xcharon.) They ended up being a bullshitter, so I stopped talking to them within a couple weeks IIRC, certainly no longer.
Spring 2018 is also the first time projected nosie was introduced to me, also known as hypersonic or parabolic sound, but I didn't recognize it as such. (Actually that's an error, I first know this as a thing from my psyc ward stay in feb 2018. Someone played the sound of cheering through my room door after closing it on me.) But at my home in Cobourg was the first time in my home. It was, again, a micro-target, the sound of an ocean wave. Waves were online in both image and words, under different contexts, showing up in Facebook. At the time, I actually thought it was a hallucination. I no longer do. It occurred when waking up, and is the only instance of auditory hallucination that I ever thought I experienced. (To be fair, I no longer really know what that word's definition is.)
The next similar event to that first event that I recognized as affecting my brain was right before waking up, sometime spring of 2018, and is my first knowledge of what I call forced dreams, dreams that occur wherein external forces caused by other people, affect the dream. It was again audible only.
Not until the end of Sept, beginning of Oct 2018 did severe audio harassment start. (Easy research found a Ted talk about the technology, used by US military in the Iran war after 9/11. It's available for purchase in less targeted forms.) The psychological aspects of being followed were in full-swing by then. One day I screamed in frustration at some aspect of it all, and my own scream got played back at me, sound coming from the empty ground floor, my apartment being on the 2nd floor. Also around this time there had been loud, directed noise of construction into my apartment and elsewhere in the building, far louder than regular construction that had taken place earlier that summer. Ben contacted police for me at one time about it, who proceeded to not take me seriously and said I reminded him of his autistic son. He didn't do anything else. The noise turned FAR worse the next few days. I tried getting attention from the police who were across the street , I was told I had to phone them, and was ignored again. I tried going to a friend's apartment on the 3rd floor, and banging got louder there for a time too, shaking walls and floor. I was terrified. My friend who takes very strong medication, didn't seem bothered as quite much, but it was still getting to her.
This was also the beginning of look-alikes of characters in the tv show me and my friend were watching, out on the street. Going for walks got me followed (obvious on empty residential streets). My cat was terrified of the noise and on top of the cupboards. The day they took my phone game's music and layered it on top of multiple other construction noises and garage noises, I fled for my parent's home. I dumped my phone and my simcard on the flight across the provinces, each at different locations.
The flight from Montreal to Fredericton had more more real-world deepfakes, some famous, one very personal; a look-alike of my ex's sister who had even put images of her son on her phone. She was sitting and angling her phone in such a way that just looking forward and a bit to the right would show me the photo. There was also cloud art in the sky. Yes, art, not 'seeing things in the clouds', very explicitly human figures. One turned out to be what a performer would look like in an iconic stage performance at a sold-out show in Fredericton the next couple of days.
At this point in time I was still unconcerned about anyone or anything accessing my physical being. Every off-putting physical internal experience was explained by something else still, in my mind. Like extreme fear, not connected to an explicit event, was weed withdrawal. Extreme energy when I fled that lasted 2 days, that was adrenaline. Not sleeping much in Feb 2018 was spiritual high. ######
In Fredericton I found the social aspects hadn't changed. Eg: A loud bang of a skid slamming on top of another started following me around when I was outside. This specific example lasted months, even after another move to Ottawa. My dreams were becoming bizarre and vivid. I thought it was lack of ability to sleep properly from the severe stress. Lights were being shone into my bedroom window at night, creating lines on the walls that couldn't be there naturally from street lights. (This occurs still, every night where I am now, 8 moves now? At a new home.) When masturbating, (that stopped in 2019 and you'll see why) a sleep aid as much as anything, a motorcycle engine noise was timed to stopping. The internet at my parent's home kept cutting out. There would be projected sound of seemingly distant motorcycles in my parent's dining room, but only during dining hours. My Mom thought it was just because of a thing about motorcyclists not being able to be seen, a protest of sorts, an idea she got from reading an article in the paper. But it was timed too well for dinner hours for that.
My Mom plainly didn't believe any of the the things I reported to her, my Dad didn't but only because he didn't understand why it was happening. While describing ongoing events to Ben over the phone, he wouldn't believe it either at this point in time, even after multiple 3rd party disconnections while speaking to him about it all, and which then occurred after bringing up the disconnects explicitly.
As more variety of projected noise was directed at my location upon waking up, sometimes meshing into dreams, is when I realized probably every night my dreams and brain were being influenced. It was blatantly clear at this point that the fairly precise location of my head was known, due to the auditory assault while walking around. People who I had once known, eg: a co-worker from years past, also started acting strangely around me. (occurred in Cobourg too.) And old co-worker super awkwardly interrupted herself to signal at someone to come talk to me about ecological living and cycles of life. I stopped trusting these people.
One day they took the voice of my mom's housekeeper and friend, projected it at me while I was on the computer, again with some micro-target of something I'd recently written on it, derisively. I actually thought it had been her and was very rude when I saw her an hour or so later. She was very confused, and only then did I realize my error. But you must understand that for months prior to that 1 incident, people were legitimately doing things just like this to me. People who you'd think would know and act better, people just like her. This is thankfully one of the few cases of external use mimicking someone's literal voice at me, in this way where she was actually present, at least that I know of. But...bangs, construction sounds, amplified voices that have nothing to do with me, amplified footfalls so loud I hear the crunching of sand underneath feet, engines of various sorts, real or projected, too many car beeps; this noise still follows me everywhere I go, still presents at me in my own home. Everyday. It's 2021. Only in the past few months have I discernably gotten explicit silencing of things that should have noise. An airplane flying very low, rain unheard, rain with some pitches removed or amplified.
External noise was loudest in Cobourg, but for many months in one apartment in downtown Ottawa, I tried to log all incidents for a bit, and it was over 50 times an hour, on average. I lived in that home for at least 4 months.
2019-February-When I 1st called this torture
Despite all these things that had occurred the year before, I hadn't yet personally considered what I was going through as torture. In January, I moved to Ottawa. My parents refused to believe what was happening, and there was a physical altercation, got sent to psyc ward again even though it wasn't me who had done anything wrong, it wasn't good for me to be there.
Anyways, in February 2019, my limbs start to spasm. Small twitches all the way to whole leg or arm, sometimes at the same time. Sometimes my spine. Large clunky movements. The wall in my rented room creaks a hundred times a day, sometimes it's the art on wall. Someone kept dumping my cat's shit on the floor when I'm out of the room.
The, so far at least, lasting yet moving brain damage I have now, IIRC, started at a bus terminal at the other side of town. (It was there or while riding the bus the first physically experienced head trauma.) I thought I was going to vomit, instant dizziness, and a loss of what I still think of as zen, meditative peace. Some aspect of my emotions, my internal experiences of that sense, left me that day, although not as completely gone as they are now. There was now a constant head pressure. Physical. It has yet to leave fully, but shifts and moves dramatically, and is substantially worse now than it was over 2.5 years ago. I knew it as an attack, an assault, not natural when it happened. Nothing else in my life was natural, head already a target for noise, dreams already fucked with. At that time, it seemed better to wear a foil-lined hat, which did have some effect, although it didn't stop it. Doing so overnight though, waking up and taking off the hat, would nearly always have increased head pressure, like there was compensation for the foil, from whatever was causing it. One night, a hole in the foil resulted in extra pain at the exposed part of my head by morning. I was still having limbs seem to forcibly spasm.
Another couple of times riding the bus, and I felt other hits in my skull. One of these early head assaults and I lost more emotions. I have never had the capacity to meditate anymore. (And still try even when trying results in worse physical symptoms.) About a month after this starts, my genitals feel touched. 2 people in the house, a mother and adult son, allude to ghosts and a child rapist dying in the house and some not-funny french rhyme I barely understand, around this same time, and very shortly before the genital touching gets severe in locatoin. I was journaling online about this at the time online. The online videogame microtargeting? One alludes to rape that next morning.
-------------------------------------Ben
Rape starts to happen every night, genital touching started to happen while in public, on the bus, at church, etc. I tried appealing to the rape only once with masturbating. It didn't stop anything and is the last and only time I did that. Stupidly Ben and I still had sex that year. I tried to work around it but they inevitable would explicitly wait until after we were already having sex to interfere. Vaginal tissue would bloat, (a thing that has occurred in my stomach now regularly.)
I moved to a new home where the audible assault was 50 incidents an hour. At this point Ben finally believed me, about all of it, even though he hadn't reported noticing the gangstalkers himself (they weren't microtargeting him) until we took a roadtrip. Turning on the bathroom light started loading sound of running water. Closet doors sounded like they're being slapped dozens of times a day. The ding from the lobby elevator, which is not supposed to ever be heard, gets amplified at my head, etc.
Physical head pressure gets worse over time. It starts to get lines or pressure barriers, and I felt twisting pains. Nothing remotely like a migraine. I lose more emotions, limbs still spasm. I perceive if it keeps going I will lose free will; to this day I'm not sure I really properly have any.
I eventually sought medical aid, summer 2019, not alluding to any of the, still severe, social disturbances happening. Because at the moment in time I see the doctor, the head pressure was worst on the front of my head and touching was on my back, he does a cursory motor nerve check, which I pass and still would, he gives me a prescription for clearing my nasal passages. Before I can use it that evening getting home, pressure on and in my head shifts just so and my nasal passages, that have had post-nasal drip my whole life, are suddenly clear. This is still most of the time now too. I did get a referal to a neurologist, but failed to phone that clinic back again and so have still not been able to see one or be fast-tracked. At one point I also get a pregnancy test not because I think the invisible rape is making me pregnant, or that Ben got me pregnant, but because of break-ins into the home and how deeply put into sleep I was getting, knowing that I was dead to the world. This still happens, every night.
Somewhere around this time also, spring 2019 I lose the chronic, incessant neuropathy I associated with my celiac disease. This isn't actually a good thing. That neuropathy and the sense of flow in my head were my meditative grounding. It's very likely it's the sense that gets externally measured by EEG, but was also tied to heart rate, my breathing, blood pressure.
Back then I attempted meditation all the time still. It felt like pushing on a brick wall with something. My frontal lobes feel like where this brick sat. 2 years and more later, this pressure takes up almost all of my head, almost all of the time. At some point I started to make descernible connections to mundane actions that should have no bearing on anything, to increased rape or head pressure. Washing dishes does this. Showering does it. Certain fabrics if I touch them can make it worse. Different locations in the various homes I have to move to result in different body and often rape sensations.
Since there is no one I know to blame for these things, I can't report them properly. Multiple rejections from police, even with documents with more detail than this one. Disbelief. Constantly needing to get shoved into psychiatric facilities, which just review the same and worsening events, and who have yet to take a full, proper history, as if I can express details of years of abuse in an instant, or even bring them to mind. Hospitals are no protection against any of the physical thigns, none at all. Neither was a jail cell. Caves offered some relief. Sometime last year I started getting added heartbeats, or pulses, to a wide number of internal body locations. They used to be temporary, now they're permanent fixtures. It is rare to be able to feel my own heartbeat now.
The sense of flow stops before reaching my head now. It gets pressed sideways, multiple directions, and loops on itself, something my natural sense of this never, ever did. There is often a connection from my head to my genitals now, which causes severe distress if some other part of my body or nerves system isn't cut off from it, which it can be.
Rape over the years has slowly gotten worse and is now incessant, stopping maybe 5-10 minutes a day. There are times it feel worse or better, and a referred rape, where one body part feels raped which shouldn't ever happen, is also daily, hours at a time, all melded together. I think referred rape happens to my genitals also, so even if measures of direct anything on genitals is unreadable to whatever may have started this, if any part of my brain is linked to some larger brain or body map, it doesn't mean that I'm not being raped anymore. Most obvious referred rape was when the space between my chest and my neck felt raped. Started 1 to 2 years ago this.
At first, it bothered me a lot to lose my emotions, a lot a lot. But it's been so long, and being bothered itself is an emotional event, and I don't know what I don't know I'm missing anymore. My life is just...sallow, but I can't even tell.
The constant rape becomes bearable often, but it doesn't stop it, and I just look like a damned liar when I don't react to it properly. I'm not sure what's being done to do this, but it's very regular. When whatever separation of it from whatever part that causes me to be bothered by it doesn't happen, things get dramatically worse rape-wise. Things might get dramatically better, other-sensory wise though at those times.
I do sometimes get triggered, externally, to freak out. Sometimes I actually experience that distress, but often I don't. My face, words, and temper can all show an anger I'm not actually experiencing. Stupidly, crying gets stopped, even if the rape has also stopped. I would be crying whenever I had energy for it if major parts of my brain weren't being shut off from me.
Visually, barely anything you see is going to be accurate to what's actually happening and what I'm experiencing.
The moving brain damage, as I call it, sometimes prevents me from moving at all. But not at a cerebellar level, clearly from volitional or motor cortex level. Sadly, rape is often worse then, but I can't convey anything. At least once I was in this state and shat myself.
It's not just self-description of this which shows the severity of being cut off from parts of my brain. For the longest time, alcohol had very little effect on me both while drinking, and for what should be a hangover. It legitimately feels like the body parts, so my CNS I guess, just doesn't exist to experience these things. And it's that strong of an effect that police who ended up coming over because I had a moment of severe distress from rape couldn't tell I had had multiple drinks; because I wasn't drunk. I used to be a lightweight for nearly all drugs.
I once took a few Gravol or anti-histamine, and it turned my poop orange. Bright orange. Ok, nothing too strange, but an entire week later, I get neon orange ear wax. A week.
My digestive system often feels in pieces too. One section feeling extra bloated, another hardly at all. Watery diarrhea one day, solid hard clumps the next. (This was never my celiac disease symptoms.)
The sensations of rape vary as widely as there are “pleasurable” sensations, which of course never are for me. And move just as much as the head pressures, lines, fake heartbeats. Sometimes inside vagina, sometimes outside. Often, as stated, referred to another body part.
My proprioception is whacked. Limbs don't often feel in right place, or again, like I have some sort of phantom proprioception body more salient than my real one. Worst distortions are my head, always. Eyes not right place, is common. Size and shape of head, severely distorted. Always. I often feel like I have to pee but there's not much there. This isn't like a bladder infection. It's associate with rape most of the time.
My natural reaction to all these things would be a lot of crying and self-compassion. I can't feel those things anymore, not usually, among with other senses missing I can't really describe, just more frontal lobe or prefrontal cortex damage.
My period has never been so spot on 28 day cycle in my life, not until after this started in 2019 and I took that pregnancy test. My regular cycle is a wavery 30-35 days. I have had periods that seem to only include blood and not tissue excreted. Cramping is way off, totally unrelated to my period, so too is how much I bloat, as well all mood changes. And even before I had received a celiac disease diagnosis, there had been clear cycles to things like, mood changes and drowsiness for instance. Those don't exist anymore. As in, a disease causing these things would not relate to: microtargeting, noise outside, fabric I touch, washing dishes, how someone else treats me, etc.
Timing to external events
So the social aspects that are destroying my life started about a year before the most severe physical ones. That so many physical events get timed to these things speaks of external cause. Timing of these things happen everyday still, and started early in 2019. Eg: wall creaks that occur when I fart. Not all of time, just sometimes, but far more often than coincidence would indicate. Noises timed to blinking. Noises timed to having one eye, while closed, feeling it roll one direction or another. Itches on my body timed to external noise. Increased rape often, not always, timed to drilling sounds. This got incredibly bad at the start of 2021 when I had to wait in the car for Ben at work (because he doesn't have his full driver's license). Largely only this year, the past month or so, usually just increased themes, in the TV show or movie I am watching.
In 2019 and 2020, not nearly so much since summer of 2021, extreme distress onset, and I mean extreme, would get timed to doing something unusual or irritating some stranger would be doing near me or my home. These got timed so well it would probably appear to an outside observer that I must be in on something. It certainly appears to me that these people are acting timed to when I have a particular moving brain damage moment. I distrust all of those people, and avoid as much as I can still. There has seemed to be an attempt to time these things to lights on the wall when it's night-time, but that doesn't register with me even when if it does.
Other physical issues I perceive as not disease nor mental illness include sensory loss of skin. This has gotten bad only this year. Just yesterday as I sat in the cool full evening air, half of my body couldn't feel the coolness at all. I also couldn't smell properly.
Taste and olfactory disturbances started 2019 or 2020, but are far worse now. Again they follow no internal cycle or process, no build up of change. Once each spoonful of soup tasted like completely different soup. 2 or 3 times my shit has smelled like blueberries, this is recent. In late 2019, lighting a candle, odorless, smelled like candles at church, but never did again. Matches a couple days ago smelled like church candle. They don't anymore. Once a salad tasted like it had an herb in it that was never added; none of it in the house to add at time. No, there is no...reason known to me when this happens.
Eyes – There has been excessive eye discharge, usually white, since 2019, appearing not long after I stopped having post-nasal drip. It's been off and on, some days, weeks, months, regularly.
-painful eye rolling, eyes almost always closed, totally outside my control. Sometimes both eyes at once, sometimes separate, rolling in separate directions. Is often painful, stretching eye muscles. Usually at night.
-currently from a few months ago, right pupil sits larger than left pupil. Is not due to lighting when looking at mirror.
-often, when pressing enough on eyes to get after-images, or just closing my eyes and looking, well, for my life there has been blobs of moving color. This is usually not the case anymore, anything from lines, rectangles, squares, the color blobs in the wrong place in visual field, non-moving white dots, etc. Years.
-Breast rape used to be common. Hitting my own breasts, for many months, ~ year or more, it would stop the rape on breasts and move it to my back. It ceased doing this a few months ago.
-forced vomitting, wherein no dizziness, no poor food intake , no drugs, etc. 2 different ways, 1 way stomach felt squeezed. 1st way felt more like directly targeting nausea, no other sensations. Less than a dozen times.
Burning skin spots First happened after hear about and making online comment about the possibility of using the heat ray on protesters in the US. Next day had pinpricks on forearms, legs, mild burn. Currently and past month-ish, burning spot on ribs, skin visibly untouched. Muscle underneath burns. Pressure on it has resulted in rape increases. First time feeling it, hollered in pain. Never that bad since. VISIBLE minute red dots on forearms. Appeared a few months ago. Have turned brown. Don't recall feeling that happen. Other more regular freckling appeared even when not getting sunlight. Have a raised mole that started out red and painful. I don't get new moles.
Cuts Laser-thin cuts appear on skin randomly. Infrequent. Started March 2019. Lines have run perfectly parallel.
Had slight bubbling skin on back near neck. Burned similar to ribs now. Was in 2021 iirc
-scratches from nothing. Infrequent.
Bruising bruising from nowhere. Infrequent. Most common to appear in location NOT where bruising should appear, if at all. Eg. Bruises appeared on opposite arm of where I hit a wall in extreme distress. Have appeared on hands vs arms. Appeared on forehead once, no hitting of forehead.
extreme pain, 8/10 pain scale, occurred back in 2019-2020. Hasn't occurred in 8 months now. On torso, moved around. Pressure on area relieved pain, but area moved all over torso, both front and back. Thought I would pass out when I first had it. Occurred ~ 12 times. Lasted hours once while in car by myself.
-Recently, have felt like face muscles are being pulled one way or another, like into a forced smile, but rest of senses tell me I'm not smiling at all. Ben has pointed out a couple of times, the opposite, saying I'm smiling when I can't feel it.
Misc. Non-negative At least once I was clearly able to simultaneously speak and understand what another person was saying . Another time Ben brought up one of these brain-teaser games, was exceptional compared to him on one task (basically I preformed really well at the Stroop task). This isn't normal for me. Reading has changed dramatically, I used to be an auditory reader, but now that's difficult. I seem to be semi-speedreading visually now.
-Late 2019; early 2020, listening to music through headphones resulted in location of music sounding like it was inside my head, the physical space between my ears. Other times, sense of movement, spinning in office chair, was timed to the beat of music I was listening to. Occured multiple times that one.
-Same time period of that, and only when Ben hasn't been around, sense of euphoria instilled for hours, like drug trip but without drugs. Occurred similarly again Spring 2021, again alone. Rare.
-Sleeping and waking often seem forced and unnatural. Tiredness doesn't seep in after hours of being awake, rather it hits hard and suddenly. Can be awake for too long and not feel tired at all. Waking is often timed to external events, or occurs shortly after waking, day or night.
Itches Since early 2019 and onwards, extra itches are daily. I perceived them right from the start as put upon me, much like the head pressures. Would fight this by not scratching for minutes, sometimes waiting for it to go away before scratching with my middle finger. I've mostly stopped that. Will be no rash but have repeated feeling of itches on same places. Most common target is face for these. IMPORTANTLY these itches are when I first noticed that scratching or rubbing my skin would result in feeling like my skin was still being touched long after touching that part of my skin. Like a permanent sort of after-image. This still occurs these days and throughout this entire time. I don't need there to be an itch for this phenomenon to happen, but I have no control of when it does or doesn't. It has likely, at some points, resulted in worse rape, but that is speculation.
-loss of external sense of hot and cold, even in mouth. Not the same as feeling feverish. A loss of that sense seems to be getting worse, but will randomly improve for periods of time.
Touch For quite awhile when resting my arm or foot in such a way as there was tension of friction on the surface holding up part of the limb, there would be a sudden release of that tension, making the limb slide downwards. This is a normal phenomenon that started happening more and more, too often for pure nature, Eventually it occurred across mutiple surfaces where littleto no tension existed.; It turned most shitty after moving to Lefaivre in 2021 where I was feeling hit with multiple tiny sticks, and resting against some surfaces in the house made it large sticks.
-amplified auditory noise, in some homes far worse, tied to physical shaking of the building, wall, or seat. This occurred overseas and in airports. Told police officers this at one point.
(The move to Lefaivre from Ottawa was supposed to help get away from the city stalkers, and a place with few neighbours to bother us. Unfortunately, that move resulted in far worsening physical torture for me, especially of the sexual kind. And there were still neighbours whom we could not even hope to reconcile with) This sort of thing still occurs today, less frequently than it has been.
-While a lot of this sense of touch or itch is often muffled as opposed to sharp, there are a few times when it hasn't been. Just a few days ago it felt like there was an ant crawling on my neck. There was no ant. We have had ants and they feel exactly like that on skin, not similar to, exact.
One time in 2020 it felt like a light bucket had fallen on me. It was startling. Another couple of times, parts of my head and neck going to my shoulder have felt something between an electric shock and goosebumps. And it felt inside my head too. This has only occured a couple times. Very strong, very negative.
-my slight chin hairs don't stop growing now. No more of them, but they don't stop at half an inch anymore.
-timed external noise to breath. This is recent. So, someone is tracking my breathing and letting me know they are. Not first time this has occurred though in 2020 asleep Ben would breathe synchronized to me, or kept pace, (think like how singing a round works)
-noise on wall or ceiling timed to dropping things
-random moving patches of hot or cold or buzzing or rape, ect. On skin. Getting substantially worse over time.
-woke up with muscle tenseness left bicep severe loss of range of motion with that arm. Pressing on spot that's stuck/inflexibility point caused flash of light on the hallway wall. Stiffness lasting, so months now. 2021. No known physical cause.
There are even more physical things, too many to remember them all. They are daily, always moving, not predictable by me overall, only a few things like the fabrics, and that is not predictable but rather knowing that 'oh, this sensation just started when I put on this blanket' so I can react to it, not predict it.
Not just in me-Other People
Ben perceives the gangstalking and hears most of the projected noise at us. Sometimes he hears what I don't. eg. I ate a chip, he wakes up saying he heard a loud crunch. Ben has body spasms, visible ones, everyday, since sometime in 2019, summer or Spring. These are daily for him. Things Ben doesn't notice are creepy facial expressions he'll randomly make. These often mimic explicitly (in fine detail), friends or family that he doesn't know. His handwriting changed so dramaically from one moment to the next that it doesn't look like it could be the same person. He has new rashes that react differently to the same mild irritant, which varies dramatically from day to day. We've needed to both use the bathroom with diarrhea explicitly at the same time or in quick succession, even when our diets at the time are wildly different. His gait changes to mimic people who are known to me but not to him, and is so wildly different it's obvious it's changed. He expresses being completely unaware of vast majority of these things too. Word choice changes, resting face with muscles completely not resting as his own. Explicitly again, sounding like people close to me but unknown to him. This is daily. It's creepy. He also loses his temper at a drop of a pin, never used to at all. It's like he completely acts like a different person, and explicitly like people I know. Since this has started he would occasionally accept and understand that he was no longer acting like himself. It gets more and more difficult everyday to convince him.
Back in 2018 the couple of months I stayed at my parents', my dad reorted one-sided head pressure changes, hearing sounds of things dropping above his head, and he completely zoned out to physically attack me once and remained zoned out while walking away afterwards. As someone who grew up with him, and knowns his personality and temper well, these actions weren't like himself. He was hardly even angry while doing these ones. It made no sense. At the time I thought it was just Alzheimer's, I no longer think that whatsoever. Furthermore, at the time he blindly attacked me, traffic on the street seemed to be reacting it it. Note I was already followed at the time. It reminded me of when the internet would cut suddenly when talking to my ex, the traffic on the street.
Earlier in 2018, when being intimate with my ex in Cobourg, he completely mimicked Ben's actions last time I had seen him. Exactly. I brought it up with him multiple times, he didn't think anything of it. (I've been with enough different people to know 'similar' vs 'copy')
So, in 2019, when a cop, acting on his own without the backup of his squad, calmly puts me in a chokehold and drags me away, it's too much of a chance that he was influenced like my Dad, Ben, my ex, and me. Way too siliar to how my Dad acted. There is a chance it was legitimately that officer himself, as I don't know him at all, but reasonable doubt in my mind that he was influenced by same technology I live with and witness in others. Otherwise I would have charged him, or tried, my vocal chords are permanently damaged and I did nothing to warrant that level of violence.
My memory improved dramatically from Feb 2018 onwards. Far better than it's ever been in my entire life. This didn't go away in 2019 with the loss of so much other stuff. However, it too feels propped up for me, much in the same way I feel propped up now, just to be able to write all of this. I've witnessed very advanced memory recall in my mom in end of 2018 also. She spoke of a memory from very young childhood. It seemed real. At the time it was just strange I hadn't heard that story yet (she's one of those people who will go into the same story from her life and retell it). Now though, I think memory recall can be triggered and had been for me by the same external forces on my head which have removed my own access to parts of my own brain.
Importantly, 2018 I didn't have a loss of emotions, ability to connect with myself and others, creating and maintaining memories from that year was easy because I was no longer internally struggling with something all the time. This I still attribute to the spiritual experience. Maintaining proper awareness and concentration are (were) a part of my Buddhist practice. Doing it properly will result in good memory as part of doing that practice, and achieving that practice, regardless of anything else. I didn't feel “propped up” like I do since 2019 and I have moments of more calm. I maintain deep loss of emotional volitional enjoyable experience. And it feels stagnant, and the longer a good moment lasts, usually the more artificial it feels too, and when I'm allowed it, there is more physical pain.
-At church in 2019 when itchiness on parts of my face and head were popular I once, at the same time, scratched my head in the exact same way as the man a couple of pews in front of me. And it wasn't just a cursory scratch. It included a scratch and a head rub. He turned he head to look at me while he did it and grinned. I have no idea if he was even aware of it or not.
-in general at church, there were too many people scratching at their head when I still went. At least for one mass it was very obvious to me. Not at all of them was this happening.
-real or false, too much scratching by men on their genitals. Only in 2019. (My own genitals only started excessive itching the past few months). Itching is very much a forced experience. Once when refusing to scratch at my face, new itches appeared every minute or so. The old ones faded in itchiness but not location, recall the touch after-image I spoke of. It ended up feeling almost like half a beard of spots, moving up one side of my chin. These itches also, for the most part, feel different than natural ones. Ben scratches far too much on non-rash parts, his head and face, and so too do I still. Ben also reports feeling touch on the back of his neck the past few months. I don't get that.
Another important thing for considering all this is that because I don't go outside much, it results in a very controlled environment. It is far easier to discern what things are results of 3rd parties when this is the case. Also recall that being high awareness and meditation is, or was, 2nd nature to me. It's not my intent to do this, and I've moved enough trying to flee from all this, but it is the case. I also have, at this point, nearly no responsibilities that get in the way of noticing things.
Other external physical things -Not only are there “should-be-impossible” noises in the environment over 3 years now, but their location moves and changes. What sounds like a motorcycle on the street might just as easily sound like a motorcycle circling the room.
-impossible-seeming light patterns which must involve splitting beams of light, so lasers, on the wall. Anything from needing a dozen lightsources to visuals of a window that's not there.
-I have woken up half a dozen times to see lasers, the stereotypical red dot, on the wall. Sometimes just 1 dot, up to 4 or 5 one night. Very faint ghostly red laser lines on the ceiling. Other times very faint ghostly red balls of laser-y glow. These last mostly in past month or 2. Ben saw laser once when I didn't.
-hot patches under the floor, on the floor, in the center of the laundry pile. Common while living on Jasmine cr. In Ottawa.
-Oven temp vary wildly compared to the dial, thermostats working one day then being broken the next. 5 Degrees off or more, celcius.
-shadows in the sky made to appear like crows or small blackbirds, occured in Fredericton 2018. Similar thing done with shadows on the floor, recently (we also have mice, this doesn't look like mice)
-Seeing a mouse or vole or something appear appear to fling in front of the car on a rural Ont Highway.
-sound of sliding pieces of glass nearly every night past couple of months. Sliding glass of tea or water at restaurant. Early 2019.
-smoke rings in incense, no visible source, no ability to feel the source either when obstructing it. 2020, late 2019.
-shirt on hanger moving towards blowing fan, single sheet of paper doing the same thing 2019 (no natural current effect, did not happen all the time)
-magnetic pull when putting round rare earth magnet next to my head, Ben's head, our cat's head. Hanged hanging from ceiling moved with head close to it. Early 2019.
-Different fabric choice changing physical body sensations (in addition to rape)
-something like a field with 1/r3 reduction when the cat was nearby. Often it would feel gross, couldn't have her on me. Sometimes it felt better and was like shielding 2019, 2020. I have felt this near Ben too. uncommon.
-Ben starts to scratch and rape sensation gets worse on me. Various places, changes all the time, again usually no connection at all, but more often than coincidence. Have reacted to it with Ben in the other room. Noticed mostly late 2021.
-loading Youtube or videogame often resulted in worse rape feeling, but sometimes would do opposite. Only recently youtube started to be mostly irrelevent. (Just loading the program, no video or music or anything necessary to trigger this)
-larger pieces of magnetic metal would disrupt sensations of head and skin. Used often and purchased in 2019-2020. Could make things worse. Had to shift them regularly. Eventually stopped working.
-hat foil combined with silver RF (radio frequency blocking) hat made head pressures stronger. Early 2019. Still, head pressures weren't targeted at specific spots anymore while wearing it.
-tried lead apron used in medicine. Some success for skin sensations, unable to stop rape.
-don't use materials to block things anymore, not good enough result, difficult to grapple with, have to move them too often.
-squeezing inside fridge helped, totally not feasible. Walk-in fridges available on roadside not good enough.
-doing any activity that involves my hands a lot tends to increase rape. Especially when/if they get wet, so showering, washing dishes. Since 2019.
-dizziness, short bursts, only since 2021. One-sided only. Totally unrelated to activity or alcohol. Unpredictable. Infrequent.
-Baboo (the cat) seemed affected as well, not just because magnetic field felt with magnet, or her being proximity changed skin sensations. Rather, her meows changed totally in pitch in early 2020, like a small kitten's. She would get limbs spazzing just like me and Ben. Would often wake up meowing, sometimes her ass was wet like she had discharge. I mentioned before that some surfaces, fabrics worse than others for seeming to trigger or amplify unwanted and unnatural sexual sensations, not only on genitals. One wall in apartment on Jasmine Cres was very bad for this. However, Baboo liked sitting next to that wall often, sometimes explicitly putting her behind against it lying down in a way unusual for her until then. Basically, the cat was being raped too. Also, sometimes she'd be very excited for food or to chase our laser pointer (different from the lasers we see on the walls) but when food was offered or laser finally on, she'd completely lose interest, not like her to have that sudden of a shift.
-Animals in nature, some clearly affected also. First noticed bird at back door, early 2019, was sitting on railing looking back and forth more than a minute, seemingly like it was looking for a source of noise or sight, but there's nothing there.
-Saw 2 seagulls in a flock at an inactive construction zone both lifting their leg spasmodically, quickly, almost synchronized. Never seen any seagull make that motion ever.
-Later, in 2021 saw a horse lying down stiff as a board very creepy.
-Saw goose just hovering in midair, no flapping, it was not a windy day.
-more synchronized stuff with Ben. Was driving just over a month ago, thought of my right foot, Ben had fallen asleep in a crumple, his foot jolted a moment after thinking of my own foot.
-Ben gets into such heavy sleeps that yelling his name as loud as I can beside him, he won't wake up.
-While asleep sometimes it looks like he has too much muscle relaxation. When this occurs, he's usually fallen asleep within a minute of expressing being really tired. While I don't see this in myself (it's not possible to) there are definitely many times, at least a few a week if not near-daily, where sleep hits hard and fast, sometimes waking up from these I'm crushing parts of my own body, or biting my own tongue. Rarely is it as painful as it should be, but usually it's not painful at all.
-the car. When driving it, there can be a very discernible wobble, like the wheels are out of alignment. However, changing speed to faster often make it go away, not just slower. It is random, have checked tire pressure multiple times, got it looked at by mechanic, no issues. Does not occur only at one speed-range, by varies dramatically.
-listening to radio in car as always been associated with increased rape. Is sudden only tried it a few times. Even accidental radio listening when cycling to a CD has been enough to trigger it.
-Baboo (the cat) has been completely spooked by something unknown to Ben and me, so cautious to avoid the area of the room that spooked her for well over a day. The day after that is when I felt something like a bucked drop on myself. I assume a similar event happened to her.
The Dreams
As you can tell, the waking events are enormous in number. However, they're not all I live with every day. Almost every, single, night there are one or multiple dreams that are, well, I call them forced dreams now, as I mentioned earlier. How are they different from regular dreams? For one, how aware I am in them. It's not like lucid dream awareness, not at all. It's more like all my senses are in full force during them. For one, most have massive visuals. I'm not a visual person. I never thought in visuals, holding images in my mind's eye used to be difficult and wavering. I'm not attracted to visual arts much. There is no emotional connection to visuals, very little. But these dreams make visuals, or have made visuals, almost like I am awake and seeing (after posting about this online most dreams became less like this. Again, pointing out how this will react to me, like it's trying to hide that these are forced dreams.)
I maintain physical body sensation in many of these dreams, such that any rape that I have been forced to experience IRL can occur in them. Themes have been wildly sexual, since 2019, and I despise sex now from all the rape. I must have only known of a few sexual themed dreams in 30+ years of life up until 2019. They were every night, for months. There is language in these dreams. Language was never really part of dreams at all before then. There will be very specific music in some, simple. Well before this, dreams of musical nature involved highly complex creations of my own that I never remembered waking up, even when I really tried to, and it was, well, dream-like. You know how I don't experience emotions properly anymore? Greater chance of having emotion in dream. But still put upon me, so...one dimensional. And it doesn't have to match anything going on in the dream. I'm still not lucid in them. There is no proper consciousness in them. I have woken up from...hundreds of sexualized dreams by now, if not more, being violated in every single one of them. It's not possible for me to consent.
Many dreams lately, if I recall them, will include being asked questions in them. And who the fuck knows what I answer, whether it's real or proper I have woken up knowing I answered questions just wrongly for who I know I am when awake. And there's 0 possibility to reject these things. Like I said, I'm not lucid in them. I don't lucid dream. Tried learning for a month or so as a teenager. I don't want to lucid dream now. All of these experiences, none of them have I ever consented to. None of them.
There has been imagery in these dreams that then appeared in places I go online the next day. I recently answered a question posed while unconscious, when I woke up. These experiences can also happen at any time during what you would expect of a normal sleep cycle. Any time of day.
I have not kept track of or logged my dreams, not for the most part. Whoever else is aware of them, they're on the opposite end of this, and will full-well know I don't consent by now, and would know that consent cannot actually be given. Usually, when I have alluded to the dreams on my Twitter feed or even speaking them out loud, often end up with sexual ones the next night. I don't often post them or talk about them. Another important aspect of these dreams is that I might be experiencing one thing in the dream even working towards it, something like relaxation, but when I wake up, it's just sexual pleasure. This is an important part of what happens to me because I do think it's representative of how things are in my waking life, every single day. I do dishes, but I get raped for it. I shower, I get raped. I sit on a cold stoop, next day I'm raped with more burning. While it's not always predictable, it seems quite clear to me that someone is intentionally remapping my physiology to simply add sex to everything. It's also important because it shows that there is some sort of disconnect within myself that has been exemplified in dream vs awake. Otherwise relaxation would always be relaxation, awake or asleep.
Mental aspects of the physical torture
I've saved this for last because it's the most unbelievable part of all of this, and without all the other evidence, it has been taken as simply mental illness, not torture.
Basically, it feels like my entire physiology, through accessing my nervous system, is being broken down into pieces and parts, and being attempted to either be put back together again, or be replaced with something else.
The unnatural excessive senses in dreams, the total removal of capacity to consent, like I'm hypnotized in them automatically or simply have had the capacity to refuse something, taken away. How my proprioception can be 2 different things at once, how half my body and skin are even internal mental life, is separated.
I feel explicitly denied natural thought and thought processes, am forced to use language instead for my own mental life. Not surprising as thoughts are emotional things to me, tied to emotion the way others describe them tied to visuals, and my emotions aren't possible at all to control now and are mostly non-existent. Back in 2019, when the hits to my head occurred, it physically felt like a hole in the left side of my head. It's been slowly filled in with...not me.
When I lost the ability to meditate, there is a disconnect of parts of my mind that are necessary for me to practice Buddhism, and it's not just loss of love. It feels like the past 2.5 years it's being replaced with something that's not mine. Something I can't control. Self-control is 100% necessary for spiritual practice, and it's getting worse and worse and worse.
There is still major disconnect in my sense of flow, my sense of my field, my EEG sense. But instead of blocks, it's no longer my own. It stems from wrong places; above my head, or my genitals, or a fake pulse in my shoulder, stomach, etc. It used to feel like I was just missing frontal lobes. I feel like I'm missing the top quarter of my body now, like it's been replaced. I feel like I lose more sense of touch, more sense of proprioception, everyday.
I might be stable, but it's hell. Dullness as a Buddhist term is what I'm being filled with. I'm losing more and more of myself. It's not visible. No one sees it. I could never BE fulfilled like this. Ever.
In a moment's notice I can instantly have a conscious state change, out of nowhere.
It's been said that I have racing thoughts, but my mind is void. In a bad way. Much like in the dreams, there are still foreign language, images, etc. being shared into my mind. When fully awake I can still ignore them. The more dull I get, the less possible it is. I might look awake now, but I'm not fully awake. And no, I don't control when this is or know when it will happen.
Explicitly, there are points that my proprioception feels inside my skull, I call them nodes, where the sense of flow stops at or comes from. They disrupt everything around them. Some nodes block me from my frontal lobes, others try to force emotions on me. It usually works. Whatever control I used to have, that I grew, is no match for this. Even now I'm sitting in a dulled state. I sound articulate, but I'm not. The nodes sit near sides of my head most often. The lines of pressure stem from or to them.
I experienced another hit to my head, very similar to 2019 experiences, just this summer. This was at the back of my head. It took away even more emotions, more of my senses. It's like my world is shrinking.
Conversations I can bring up conversation at any time mentally now. This wasn't a thing I really ever did, but discerned it was possible back in 2019. Not until spring/summer 2021 was it ever a regular part of my life. As physical hole in the left side of my head got filled in with...static I guess, EEG static maybe?, and as the possibility to fight against any of this keeps slipping further and further away, I will indulge in this conversation in a way I never did years ago, maybe a few times a day.
The dream conversations have resulted in changes to what has shown up on my supposed internet (I still think I'm possibly on some intranet instead, too many lies), and back in 2019 people, IRL people, started alluding to mental visuals I got while I was awake.
I know someone else knows these mental experiences of mine. If it's possible to communicate in dreams when I'm not conscious, it's going to be possible awake. It's not welcome. Most of the time, expect for once, it's always been with males. Young. Once an older person. They basically tell me nothing but I think that's because it's limited. Full of lies most of the time. At this point they've taken voices of people I know and got my trust from that. But I no longer think the voice represents the person.
The soundscape around me, the non-mental soundscape as described earlier, can include very close-cut noise. In fact recording using phone picks up the noise loudest next to my ear.
One time the external noise was of a telephone, I answered “hello” and someone said something. Grafitti I've passed has referred to this event.
I don't trust whoever these people are. I assume they're responsible for what is now the incessant rape, and the dreams. We aren't friends. I assume they aren't trapped as I am with me in their head. I spent months explicitly saying this over and over, “this is my head, this is in my mind” to which I almost only got “nah” as a reply. For awhile it was like I had a go-between so 3rd voice connecting from what I told them to other party. Makes no difference.
The first time I knew this was possible was ,again, early 2019. Waking forced mental imagery is still a thing. It is strange and I know it isn't me...One was an attempt at sheltering me(Not sure why they'd expect that to work, I need sheltering from the people who tried that.) They used the Virgin Mary building a barrier out of stones. Another image used was taken straight from a video game. A couple months later when I end up in a psyc ward, one of the false patients there refers to the video game image, explicitly said “I'm just trying to get in”.
You can probably see now why it's important I preamble with “this isn't religious”. These experiences aren't. They're horrible. I never feel alone. Ever. I have no privacy. Ever. I can interact or not, at least when I'm awake or so it seems, but I can't force this gone.
As I said before, all this is tied to the physical disturbances also.
Unfortunately, another incident, this time with a staff member of a hospital in Ottawa (a forced psychiatric stay, another one) he referred to a mental event I had had in summer of 2017. Another young male. He refused to let me cancel a driving job I had, said it wasn't important. In summer 2017 I once again quit a job I had (An issue I had had for years, represents why I was on ODSP in the first place) But quitting that night was different. I had my usual intense guilt and anxiety. In one moment, along with the words “it doesn't matter” in my mid, it all melted away. I then immediately fell asleep. As with most of all of this for many, many months, I hadn't thought about any of it at all as being some form of brain assault. But when that hospital worker brought it up, explicitly referencing another driving job, and in light of all the horrors I'd been living with, I realized that summer 2017 is actually the first time I now know my brain and mind were accessed. Only discerned in retrospect.
So this, the dreams, are obviously very different from the physical hits my head took in 2019 and later. There was no physical aspect that I had discerned. Obviously, still didn't consent.
It does mean my head was already a target though by 2018 and 2019. Yes, I'm still religious.
I don't think I have expressed how bad it is to be raped every day, 95% of the time. How awful it is to see Ben's actions, words, change and be destroyed. It's awful. It's worse having to try and just be believed this is happening. Everyone I meet who I've told, everyone Ben has told, dismisses me. I am raped everyday, but I'm not even believed. I just look insane. It's torture.
If I had my emotions and full free will, I would have ended my life by now. It's hell. Same sort of technology that must be involved, forced me to stay alive by blocking bloodflow to a lethal wound I wanted. The rape didn't stop then though. I have the scars on my jugular.
Stabbing my leg in frustration resulted in those wounds leading to near-orgasm that next night, just by turning over and brushing the wounds with my foot. Those wounds didn't bleed properly either.
How is this possible?
I have many ideas, probably all true.1 Cells react to all sorts of different energy. All you need is to trigger cells in the way you want, to cause severe harm to a person. Hypersonic sound uses ultrasound. Could use same theory for electromagnetic spectrum. The ultrasound passes through tissue, but where the waves of them intersect, that energy can be absorbed by cells. I see no reason why the same thing couldn't work with lasers, or X-rays, or microwaves, etc. Secondly, there's the capacity to create magnetism through water inside living tissue, using lasers. I learned this as diamagnetism, there are youtube videos where people levitate a frog. These I theorize are part of head hits and physical pressure that blocks one section of my senses off from myself. This also explains how metal could interfere, how magnets picked it up.
I also learned about hypersonic sound via a TED talk on youtube.
The explicit copycatting of actions though, that must be something far more involved. I'm assuming some form of brain-computer-brain interface that surely must work on other physics principles to trigger cells.
I often call the rape “referred rape” as any body part can be made to attach to sexual brain parts. These are obviously stored things in some massive computer database somewhere, that's the only way they could possibly be in my mind.
I don't know how they make fake heart beats.
I'm not a physicist or biologist. I don't understand these things well. I'm not privvy to them. I'm not involved with them.
-Rape gets worse on long-weekends, usually overnight. Like it follows someone's schedule, different people's schedules. Notably, hackers tend to target systems on things like long weekends when staff is known to be short.
The most details are online mainly my Twitter feed: Veronicopolis
I used to use my livejournal, cavernio2.livejournal.com
Ben and I also have a website that we upload audio to and sometimes text post.
www.testamenttotheinvisible.com
I was raped the entire time writing this. The mental separation and being strung up into certain mental states made this possible to write. There were amplified noises throughout writing this.
I am being tortured. I need this to stop. I don't need charges pressed. I don't need court. I NEED ALL THIS TO ALL STOP.
That is the only thing that matters to me.
External: cellphone charged while sitting on the floor, dead for over a month, not plugged in.
-excessive car beeping near me. No pretext, not friendly.
Animals: crows in multiple homes both, will caw after the other but before the other bird has stopped, creating an overlapping echo of caws. Also can have overlapping echo of caws due to projected noise of cawing. Multiple homes since 2019 right up to writing this.
-have stabbed myself in severe distress, a few months ago, an extra wound showed up a couple inches away from the first one seconds after I had stabbed myself. I didn't feel a stab, it just appeared.
-notably regarding dreams, I haven't had any about, say COVID despite it being in my news everyday, or food and I go on and on about that outside this, still and only recall 1 forced dream pertaining to global warming, back in 2019 also, despite looking up news about it regularly. So no, dreams aren't really about things pertaining to my life, like dreams about sex more because I'm raped during the day.
-after last phone appointment with Dr. Dahle, never got email with information. Other times emails have had friends repeat stuff that I told them.
-can hear crunching of sand underneath feet as people walk by, since 2019. Off and on, inconsistent
-feels like parts of my mind/brain are asleep while other parts are awake, often. Sudden shifts in tiredness, alertness. These explicitly don't occur while driving, and I've driven more than enough to know this as intentional, even though increases in rape have, and intense distress suddenly hits. (I pull over these times.)
-As I started with, there are 2 factors that I consider necessary for this to be torture: I) distressing enough, and II) to have people behind it. I categorize torture as starting when my ability to meditate was taken away, the loss of proper emotions. This was when my ability to cope properly with everything fell away. It is definitely distressing enough.
The quantity of external events that I know I could just list off all the physical ailments for ODSP purposes, but there is more going on than this.
-there has been an excessive amounts of coughing in my environment. Some seems very much fake. Some is very much not. Non-fake coughing as been timed exactly to sensation of genital touching. Once it was with friends, in their apartment another time was with police officers with “special” on their uniforms when I forced into a jail cell for not being believed that I was being raped, and that time it was timed to 3 of us, 2 coughs or throat clears, and me on my genitals. I did not react at these times, AFAIK, because it's already been months of this sort of experience everyday. This started at least a year before the pandemic.
-similar to the coughs and the people in church, there has been synchronized head turning, by strangers, when I have been outside. Again, not always, but enough to notice. These events are stated, occur across multiple cities. I tried fleeing the continent in Nov. 2020 to escape, and it didn't help. However, there were some locations where rape decreased notable where, if this were caused by anxiety or stress, it wouldn't. e.g. Next to armed guards sporting rifles, in taxi of man trying to get money off of us.
The prospect of having to write all this, and to convince you or anyone that this is real and not imagined, or mental or physical illness so incredibly frustrating. I hate that people want me to act like this is fine, and will punish me for being, rightly, in distress. It feels like the same techniques that have caused the distress in the first place are being used to try and right things, but to use that is wrong anyways. There is no artificial way to make me better.
I still don't know who is behind this, one or multiple groups, or how many people are being affected. I know Ben doesn't experience the physical side-effects, perceptually, but there is still stuff that is very very wrong with him that was never the case before what happened to me.
-----Appendix1
When I say, whenever I get around to say I have an incident summer 2017, the first time I now know as term “hijacking” I still don't know if that was first time. I had been chronically high for about a year at that time. I was getting hypnogosia, and a lot of visuals and it felt like I was asleep. I had attributed it to weed at the time. That was probably wrong in many cases. Eg: when I first started using weed, my mind's eye wasn't actually more active.
Voices and conversation in dreams also happen while awake. Almost exclusively male, mostly unfamiliar. Doesn't feel like I'm conversing with myself, or my imagination. Rape has gotten worse if I respond as well. Dreams are reflected in the real external world.
It feels like conversation with my imagination, but I know it isn't because there is clear evidence in real life, external to me, that it isn't my imagination. Most of what's brought up seems to be lies.
-I know this is true because some of the people involved in it have referenced real-world, upcoming events that I did not know of. However, most conversation isn't important or even worthwhile. For instance, for a very long time I was simply repeating to them that this was my head, because I really don't know what they're experiencing on their end. I assume there is some sort of computer in-between me and them, so it makes sense that the conversation could simply be appearing on a screen.
There are physical , slight physical differences when mental convo occurs. The strongest of these is an increase in rape, the mildest is that the conversation fills some of the empty space that was in my head from before. On occasion, but not recent, convo has involved very it fell like there is a physical barrier, like the lines of pressure in my head . Separate me from other, other on other side of barrier. There has been go-between involved also, like I must only converse through a 3rd party.
-Pressure lines in head feel like physical barriers explicitly. The line is created by the flows it stops.
-Psychotic doesn't fit, deluded doesn't fit, definitely not seizures, not loss of blood flow like aneurism. This explicitly seems to get 'tested' every few months as there will be sensation of sudden increases in sense of bloodflow, sometimes lasting for hours, in parts of my head that seem to have stopped working properly. Has only caused pain a couple times, usually. It has no bearing on thought or experience besides the blood pressure increase.
-It seems like new people get involved in what is occurring with me because there are cycles of things that repeat. Both in external gangstalking and in internal forms of rape, for instance. And the same things just keep getting done until it's like someone has given up doing something in that way. And then it might not even happen for months, and then suddenly it will start up again.
-There will be real-world reaction to actions and words I speak more often than not, by way of thuds, thumps, physical changes. At least there is now, this wasn't the case before.
-brain damage has gotten progressively worse. One time early 2020, I was on the mattress, and there was a sideways field in head, a wedge-shape, and was the first time I was fully consciously prevented from moving. When feeling the wedge be placed there, and it was placed, I lost a lot of senses and there was this intentional blankness. Wedge-shaped physical pressure in my head is now regular, often multiples, but without the paralysis, and instead of a blank void it feels like it is filled with forced desires and shit, at best filled with mental equivalence of static. I have no reason now to not give in to shit that they do. When I do succeed at fighting and reclaiming some part of myself, it just gets taken away again within 24 hours, pretty much every time, and I'm blocked from that form of freedom again. It feels like my mind is being eaten away slowly, and being forced to experience whatever someone else wants me to experience. This is concurrent with how it started with taking over the most advanced form of self-control I have, meditation.
-I'm only seeing out of 1 eye often. Just past weeks or month. The other eye is present but it acts only as peripheral vision. When trying to see out of bad eye the rape just became way worse, it hurts, and is physically hard to do. Vision has been off and on difficult and wonky for years now, eyes not blinking in unison. I did have a visual check-up after this started, optometrist said he found nothing. (There was something very off-putting about the optometrist, much like most doctors I see now, again fitting into the underlying theory of them knowing or thinking they know something that I don't, not acting appropriately to things I said.) Suggested I get a spinal tap. Still unable to get proper medical treatment of pretty much any sort though.
Sometimes it feels like there is an overall curtain of someone else draped over my head. I will take on aspects of ideas associated. It feels like a snapshot of myself or someone else It functions best if it is a version of me, or my sister who I am similar to. When under this “curtain” pain and sense of flow (EEG sense) are both missing, but the person I am at those times tends to not care. ex. I would be happier than I would normally be, despite what is still happening. This artificial mental snapshot can last for hours. If capable of examining properly, sense of mental stagnation.
It feels like parts of my brain are being turned off and on by other people. I feel like a slave. I don't think I really have free will anymore. I feel like a lesser version of myself and... ####
The benefits of my religious practice have been stripped away, and while this is ongoing I am unable to meditate and therefore, practice. I understand this to be outside of my beliefs as it occurs every time I attempt practice, no matter what my mental state is otherwise. This implies it would be impossible for anyone else to practice self-control with this too.
Mental aspect: our almost always very very regularly will have a song running through my head. Much like convo it has a specific place in head. Not unusual to have song in one's head, but is unusual for me, and wouldn't have physical location. It has been this way for 2+ years. It is something I could stop but I don't because I don't want to block more of me, and I like music. It feels put upon me, sometimes It seems like someone wants me to think that they are communicating w me through song, but I don't read into it, because I don't need or want to. IIRC occurred end of 2019 or start of 2020.
-there is a phys fight over whether to think or exp something mentally. One of most notable events when this started was when I was thinking I was in love with someone when I wasn't . Strong form of erotic desire when I knew it wasn't mine. Early 2021. Since then experiences that are not mine have ramped up in frequency. It seems like someone is trying to tie in the media I am experiencing into a cohesive parallel of what I think. Relatively new in all of this. It's ridiculous and even while I can know it for what it is at the time, I can't stop it from happening. The physical distortions are too severe. That brick on my frontal lobes? There's a soft barrier now I can't even physically approach most of the time. No access. Loss of self-control.
-For all intents and purposes, the rape is incessant now too. Severity of distress, severity of reaction of distress, varies. Rape is always there.
1My experiences of what I see in myself, animals, others and my surroundings, show me that there are most definitely multiple modes of mind and body distortion happening to and around me. I furthermore know that the science exists and the only ting I was unaware of was how the precise tracking of a person would allow the precision necessary to affect minds and bodies in this way. That and the fake heartbeats I don't have an idea how it could be done.