Hello. Thanks to those of you still checking in and those who are new. Sorry for the lack of updates lately. It’s hard to feel like posting even though I know ot’s the best and maybe only chsnce we have of getting help. Our purpose here remains unchanged, just like the treatment we're fighting against has remained unchanged. We still haven't heard back from the clinic about the MRI appointment we've waited over 2 years for. The presence of cars outside our home still results in Veronica feeling more raped. No, we will not stop referring to it as rape, despite how some people would rather say that she's being "bothered" by the sensations she's experiencing.
She still says that I'm not myself for large portions of the time too. That how I sit, hold my hands, speak, or look all are borrowed from people I have interacted with for less than a day, if at all.
When Veronica tries to listen to Mass online it still seems wrong, just like Dhammapada, or world news, or video games. She distrusts everything, from the pulses in her own body which feel foreign, to mysterious noises coming from the fridge. Even her own thoughts are not safe and she’s told me that she isn’t herself, and that times when the constant rape seems less (it never stops completely) she is forced to be less present, and less herself.
I hate seeing what has become of her, seeing the person I love torn away piece by piece, tortured and broken, raging, crying, suffering and numb. The times she’s able to cry are some of the best we experience anymore. The only thing she wants is her privacy back, and her brain returned to normal. It’s what we both want.